Here I am, finding myself disappointed in myself ultimately for having needs.
I just made dinner for my family. It was ravioli filled with mushroom and cheese.
The pasta was made with white flour, and the sauce had sour cream in it.
I followed the recipe, even though I rarely make anything white (rice, bread, pasta).
I could have changed the ingredients, but I chose to make this for my family out of the sake of convenience as the ingredients were given to me and I didn’t want to “waste” them.
I know that sour cream hurts my stomach.
I know that too much cheese and items made with white flour can make me feel bloated.
However, for the sake of not complicating things and “saving time”, I ate it anyway.
Now I am paying for it.
My belly feels bloated and very uncomfortable and I am finding myself disappointed in myself.
The bully in my head is saying,
“Well, so and so can eat it, so why can't you?
Stop being so high maintenance.
Why are you such a pansy?
Why do you have all these special needs?
Why do you have to be so difficult?
You'll be fine.
Just push through it.
Stop being so sensitive.
Why do you have to make an inconvenience for others?
Why can’t you just go with the flow?
Why do you have to be so difficult?”
Do any of these voices sound familiar?
My example is a mild one, I realize that.
It is also part of a much deeper journey I am on, learning to listen to and show compassion to my body.
For years, I just looked at and used my body as a means to get from one place to another, or to squeeze in one more “to do” before I went to sleep.
I used my body to win some physical feats, volunteer one more hour or prove my worth to myself or someone else.
I did not learn to listen to it.
I learned to effectively ignore it.
This is problematic in numerous ways that I won’t get into right now, but will cover in later shares.
Do you know that bully?
The one that comes out to harass you when you’re tired and your guard is down?
The bully in your head that shows up and berates you when you are less than what you consider “perfect”?
The voice that gets loud when you feel you have disappointed someone?
This abusive bully doesn’t show up in the same situations every time and it's different for everybody. The scolding, however, often sounds the same.
I'm finding in the last couple of weeks the bully is coming out a lot to tell me how disappointed I “should” be and how “weak” I am in having these needs.
It’s telling me I should be able to push through them like other people push through them.
I seem to be one of the few who somehow was not bullied by peers in my childhood.
For someone that did not encounter bullying from actual people growing up, it is fascinating to me that I can have one in my own head that is so cutting and spiteful.
For those of you who did encounter bullying, I am so sorry you had to endure that pain.
I know you are likely still carrying some of it with you today in one form or another.
Please know, dear one, there is much healing available to you.
If you’re listening to this you are on the right road by being here today.
This is not chance.
The My Light Heart program offered and supported by Weave Sunshine can guide you on your healing journey to start releasing some of these stuffed emotions and allow more flow and lightness into your heart and life.
It is time for the bully to take the backseat and eventually be ejected from the vehicle altogether.
The bully is no longer welcome here.
This is an opportunity for you to look at the patterns, cycles and the voice of the bully in your head.
This is the bully of bullies that says things to keep you stuck in cycles that do not serve you or anyone on this planet.
It's time to get off that hamster wheel.
It is time to kick the bully out.
It is time to call the bully out for who and what is and cancel out the lies.
Let them go for good.
This is an opportunity for healing, up-leveling and growth.
This is an opportunity to step into listening to your intuition, your body, your heart.
This is an opportunity to ultimately lighten your load.
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