When I hit a wall, when I was burned out—I felt helpless.
I was in a state of helplessness and felt absolutely powerless.
I had given everything of myself, emptied myself out, oftentimes without even being asked, just because I felt like it was the “right thing to do” or because I “should.”
As a result of this, frustration became a part of my everyday life. This stemmed from living in a way I no longer recognized as myself & I began to embody the emotion of anger.
I held onto the sensations of it in my physical body. I did not let it rise up to accomplish what it rose up to do, and then process it naturally, allowing it to flow through in a healthy way.
Nope- I clung to this anger until it morphed into rage.
Anger allowed me to feel powerful after years of not standing in my personal power.
Anger allowed me to move obstacles.
Anger allowed me to shut people down.
Anger gave me the power to shut things and people out that I didn't want to deal with.
Anger, unprocessed after not being allowed out for so many years… in physical form, might look like a bull in a china shop.
It just knocked everything out of its way, helter-skelter.
Let’s be very clear: anger is not bad.
Anger is neutral.
Anger is a natural human emotion that is sacred.
Anger has great purpose and a place in all of our lives.
Anger can get things done.
It can help put an end to injustice.
It often motivates us to be movers and shakers.
This emotion can hold within it the seed of self-love.
It can be our voice finally speaking out.
Maybe it is against a trespass in our lives, a rising up against boundaries being crossed that we have allowed for too many years and are finally saying, “NO MORE.”
At the same time, anger in the form of rage and activated in this way is not a sustainable way of life.
It is meant to rise up, speak a truth, facilitate a change and move through us.
It is an energy.
It is powerful.
Anger shows us what we care about.
Anger alerts us as to when our boundaries have been crossed.
When I was depleted, burned out, not living a life aligned with my authentic-self or heart, embodying the emotion of anger made me feel powerful.
It made me feel like I had more control over my life.
This powerful energy enabled me to break through a silence and apathy that I had allowed for many years at my soul’s expense.
I fed this intense sensation of anger through surge workouts, listening to people that really pushed or forced their ways through life in an imbalanced way to make things happen, etc.
This anger finally surfaced after having spent too many years not listening to my intuition and not using my voice.
Too many boundaries had been crossed and too many more healthy boundaries were never erected in the first place.
We, especially as women and/or spiritual people, are often taught to believe that the goal is to always remain calm and unaffected. We are taught that anger is bad, out of control and unspiritual or unbecoming so we shy away from it.
We never learn its purpose, power and how to use or sit with it.
My nervous system was out of whack because I had no boundaries, nothing of mine was sacred, I had silenced my intuition, my voice and lost touch with my truth.
It was stuck in survival mode and I was mad at myself for not following my heart in many situations.
I was angry because I had given my power away. I wasn’t totally conscious of that at the time, but my body was feeling the effects of it and my nervous system was paying a BIG price.
No one can take away your power.
No one can take away your intuition.
You might not do it consciously, but you hold out your power to others.
Granted, this is often a result of deep societal and other conditioning.
There are many ways you have likely unknowingly given your power away.
You give your power to institutions, people, to certain theories or religious beliefs when you ascribe to these things without checking in with your intuition first.
You give your power away when you continually put yourself into situations and environments where you are not encouraged to listen to your intuition.
You give your power away when you continually put yourself into situations and environments where you are not encouraged to trust your intuition.
You give your power away when you continually put yourself into situations and environments where you are encouraged to give your power away.
The state of vulnerability which precipitated from not listening to my intuition, left me feeling that the only way I could take my power back was to be angry…and rightfully so.
I felt angry.
I was finally allowing myself to FEEL angry.
I was giving myself permission after all these times of NOT allowing it to bubble up at will.
I didn’t allow it because I had labeled it as “bad”, “out of control”, unbecoming, not lady-like, ungodly…even though I know Jesus himself displayed great anger in his life…even in physical form.
I finally became conscious of the fact that I had done this, I had allowed it to come to this.
The reality was that I had to take responsibility for the fact that I had given my power away…not so I could blame myself, so I could call my power back.
Until that season in my life, I didn’t even realize I had personal power to give away.
I never remembered ever really having power over the trajectory of my life or relationships.
This was actually part of my learning process.
There was really no other way I could grow to the place where I am today without having waded and eventually charged through that mire, that muck.
I am so thankful for the anger that surfaced in me. I embraced it, rode it hard and experimented with it.
Anger is what finally woke me up, jarred me out of my complacency, my not-self ways of being.
Anger moved me to start using my voice to speak my truths, regardless if it was inconvenient for others or deemed as “not godly” by those who like to judge and label.
Anger awakened me to the fact that I had no personal boundaries because I didn’t think I deserved them if they made someone else feel uncomfortable or “bad.”
Anger reminded me of how passionate I was about certain….actually most things and allowed me to embrace those things once more.
This sacred energy of anger that I finally let myself explore after having stayed out of its territory for close to 20 years shed light on all the ways I was not living a life aligned with my soul.
Feeling, sitting with, experimenting with anger was the catalyst that ended up setting me free.
Will it do the same for you?
You have the power.